Well, today was better. I got something accomplished in the lab today. I don't know how well the results came out but hopefully it went ok. By the end of next week I hope to be doing experiments by myself. Jose is such the character. I miss my Hubbard friends :( Luckily, the people in my program are not too bad.
Tonight we went to the bowling alley with the other groups. Of course I really didn't wanna bowl so I did Laser Tag. I swear since I've been here there have been so many firsts. My first Starbucks experience, My first Laser Tag experience, who know what else I will do before the summer is over. Its okay here. I don't know if I could see myself going here in the future though. As I was telling "Brock" tonight, I really don't know what I'm going to do with my life.
I do realize that I really don't want to let go of him. I really care about him and even though he doesn't act right, he really has a hold on me. It sucks that I feel like this. I hope that by this time two weeks from now I can really get up the nerve to have a real conversation about what's gonna happen to us. I really can't allow this to continue, b/c its really not emotionally healthy for me. Only time I'm ever really happy is if I'm with him or talking to him. If I'm not I feel so insecure, depressed, doubtful and lost. It really feels like history is repeating itself.
I started writing everyday b/c I really wanted to get it all into perspective. I have no clue what's really gonna happen next but I know what I need to do. As much as I don't want to I have to do it for myself, b/c the truth is I deserve so much better.
I think I need to just take a break from having to be around someone. Perhaps then I can really have time for myself and I can really think about what it is that I really want. I'm getting too old for bs/sos I need to be stable--tired of surprises. I make 21 this year, I'm a senior in college and it feels like I have lost so much time. I really need to think out how I'm going to get where I wanna be.
