Been Gone 4 a Minute

Well,

Nice to know that when you leave your blog for a little while it doesn't shut down. GREAT!! How have you all been doing? I feel like Tweet "Feels just like Heaven and a sunny day." I am so glad to be back in my environment around my friends and family. School has been lovely despite the tragedies that have taken place since I've been in school.

A) RIP Jermaine Anderson (my cousin) who died on Tuesday August the 23rd. I loved my cousin very much and I had to lose him to an alcohol related car accident. Please quit drinking and driving everybody.

B) Bless all the victims of Hurricane Katrina. "She" came across the Southeast Louisiana and caused a lot of damage and many deaths.

Throughout these last several weeks there has been a lot going on and "WE" finally see where we lie in the chain of things. The hurricane caused a lot of pain for many people and the City of Baton Rouge has become home to many of the victims of Katrina. I have a great sense that God has a lot in store for these people and they may be so blinded by pain that they can not see it yet. But I know, great things will come from this great lost. I only hope that everyone is doing their part to contribute to this mass effort.

These last hours

Well, my summer in Iowa is nearing an end. In less than 36 hours I will be on a plane headed to the sunny beaches of Tampa Bay, FL. I hope that this next week in Florida with my family turns out to be a good trip. I don't know what I'm gonna do with my hair for this trip, but I'll figure it out.
I really can't wait until I get back to Louisiana though. I got a lot of stuff that I need to get together before the semester even gets started. I really hope that my finances are where they need to be. I have to keep my head on straight this fall and stay on the path I have chosen--despite all the outside obstacles. I really think that this fall is going to go great for me. I am going to get my grades straight and I'm going to achieve the goals I have set for myself.
This summer has really put a lot of things into perspective for me. I realize all the things I need to do to improve mentally, physically, socially and emotionally. I have to let all these stress factors go and be happy and productive.
My senior year of college really came fast. Who knew that I would still be here 3 yrs after enrolling at Southern University. Man, I just have to prepare myself for the next step in life. I just don't know what I need to do--work or grad school? This fall will help me figure what I really wanna do. If I'm gonna go Grad I need to get the scores and the GPA together.
Then there's the interest in trying the music thing for a while. I have really been thinking about the individual who told me I should come to NO and sing. I mean singing is something I really want to do. I have a passion for music and I feel like I could do something. No sense in letting my voice go to waste. My dad has always fussed at me for not enrolling in a voice class in school. This fall I'm going to enroll and I need to get my voice back to where it was in high school.

Its pure nonsense to dwell on the past, I look forward to what the future brings. Move on--let all the bad things go, lift your head, keep a smile and continue to sing. No one can bring shadows into your life, unless you let them come block your light.

Letter 2 You

I've tried to be in denial and I've tried to accept things as they are, but I realize that its time to be real with myself. I care for you more than you know, but you never really meant good by me. You can say what you want, but the truth is that I was just another stepping stone in your life.
I never told you, but when we started talking I was in the middle of making some major changes. I had decided to start living a righteous life and deny myself of the things that I wanted--namely attention from someone. I thought that I could hold to my convictions but my flesh gave in. I can not continue to subject myself to worry and stress.
I always asked you what you wanted from me and you never answered. I don't deserve this situation, but I don't blame you. It is my fault that I let you in. Things like this can only happen to people that allow it to come to pass. I knew you were not going to be just for me, despite the fact that I was only for you. I can not open my body up to that kind of risk--let's face it I know you sleep around and I really don't know what you do.
I was so happy with you in the beginning and you just let me down. You really got me and that's what is so sad. I hate feeling like this for you, I feel so cheated. Why are you like this with me like I'm such a bad person or a hoe or something? I never understood that. I am a good woman and I know that live a blessed life. Just couldn't understand why you didn't see me?

The Word for Today is RANDOM

Oh this young man and his randomness! I swear I really don't understand why he does the simpliest things--I'm bout to go back into beast mode. I remember those days--whoo talk about carefree fun. Boy oho boy the days I used to kick it with JP were great just got tired of him had to take a break from the non-stop stupidity--hmmmmm.
Anywho, I'm back in Louisiana--yeah!! Celebrated my homecoming last night by enjoying a tasty daquiri from New Orleans which lasted me for the duration of my journey home. Boy I was lit last night, I really have to laugh at myself.

Man it is so damn hot and humid--I think I'm gonna spend a good percent of my time inside while I am here.

I miss my Hubbard and SROP friends but I am really glad that I got to have a break from boredom beyond control. I plan on spending a lot of my time home hanging out with my family and my friends. No wasting time sleeping.

Every-darn-body decided to have a party tonight as if it is that many people in BR this weekend--dang!Trying to get me to come to the most random and off limit clubs in Jigg City.

I think I should take tonight to chill out cuz this weekend is bout to be intense--drinking, chilling and eating lots of food is what I seriously have planned. Spending time being happy for the day I have awakened to and stop trippin of the stupid things that have come to pass.
Started back reading books again. Wow, the small changes that have come. Yesterday I started readying Paradise by Toni Morrison. Its an interesting book--probably have to read it again b/c some to the concepts and stories are confusing me. Nevertheless, I still grasp the concept of the story. I started The Davinci Code by Dan Brown but I was unable to finish. I will finish that whenever I get hold of the book again. My first day thus far has been well spent. Hopefully tomorrow will be just as good! :)

My Worst Thoughts Revealed: Ventilation

I just don't understand, am I the only person who thinks that what you did was wrong? How could you sit there and tell me how much you like me and treat me this way? Why would you even ask me to open up and then be so cold? Thank you for reminding why I had decided that the life of solitude was what I wanted.

Well folks, there goes 8 months down the drain. Don't you just hate when you not only waste your time but your emotions on someone. All the times I skipped out on something to be with you. All the times I went out my way to come see you . I should have went with my intial feelings and ignored my other 'feelings'. As much as I don't wanna see you anymore--I know that I will see you again. Man I just need a resolution--how could a person be with you all the time and act so distant? That just doesn't make any darn sense and I can tell that you are pushing me away so I'll just take that and roll on. But thanks for reminding me--I had forgot what it feels like get hurt for real. Wow just glad it wasn't as bad as the first time.

Things like this happen and you know what it does? It makes you question yourself here are few that you might serious contemplate:

Q: Am I a bad person?
A: The answer is no [if you are anything like me]
Q: What did I do to make you act like this with me?
A: Truth is prolly nothing but he find some small irrelevent reason.
Q: Why is that my hoe-ish friends and relatives can be happy with someone but my kind-hearted self can't?
A: Just know that [1] it may not be your time [2] maybe the fellows that you want are not what you need. Not to mention that some people just don't know how to handle genuinely kind-hearted, intelligent, beautiful, independent black women.
Q: Did I do something to deserve this?
A: No, the actuality is that no one deserves to be treated bad.

So after your personal dialogue about the mistakes that you have made when making decisions concerning the relationship the two of you had, what do you do?

Move on and find gratifying, satisfaction in the knowledge that one day he will realize what he had in front of his face [and believe me he will]. Nothing more interesting to me than the fact that whenever you cut someone loose thats when they have an 'epiphany' and realize that damn I really had something good and she really cared for me.

I am already starting to feel that gratification. . . . . yes there it is! I am gonna find complete happiness in my surroundings and submerge myself into the environment. Literally I think I'm going to go for a nice swim :) that always relaxes me. Man I just wasted 8 months of time I could have been doing something more productive.

Happy Feelings

"I've got myself to remind me of love, my mind and my heart--yes I do and I believe in love
these happy feelings, feel these happy feelings, I spread them all over the world, from deep in my soul, I wish you happy feelings!" -Maze feat Frankie Beverly [skool yo self]

Nothing like being in a pleasant mood. Doesn't everything just seem better! From the food you eat, to the air you smell, to the things you see--I mean everything just seems like it has been exponentially changed. Even it if was the same thing you came into contact yesterday--your mood can change all the elements.

I love it when I can come out of my shady days to bright and hopeful tomorrows. It feels so great that I just have to spread the joy around. Man all it takes is a good morning to set your day off. Even though I suffered from mild insomnia last night I had pleasant dreams. And I think it may be the nearness of my departure home for the 4th that makes me feel so good. Man this blog is quite theraputic--never could get into the whole diary thing but this. . . being able to share your thoughts and feelings and come across a few people who feel it. . . man you talk about euphoria. [Oh like that word] Man I don't know if God just tapped me on the shoulder today or what but I really am in quite the pleasant mood.

Ah just to be able to be content with just sitting back in my room, listening to good music and enjoying my solitude.

Anyway, today was good as you can tell from my introduction. Yesterday I spent some time reading and taking pictures. **Ever took a picture of a statue and it seemed like it was really in motion, I think that is so cool**Perhaps when I master the blog perhaps you all will get to see some of my photos. I like landscapes and little random potraits of people. I plan on nurturing my niche for photography. Perhaps I'll get my friend back home to kinda school me a little bit and teach me some tricks of the trade ;)

Other than that not too much goin on in Iowa City. My crazy co-worker keep trying to get me to come out at night and party downtown with him, but you know that's just not my thing baby. Perhaps I'll be social tonight but I think I wanna catch up on some sleep since I seem to be getting sleepy. Tomorrow is another day and I hope to write in my blog once again.

Truer Words

why is it that I love so hard? To the extreme that I can't seem to let go even if it is not in the best interest for me. I just gotta have him and I think that I am afraid to lose him. I try so hard to get him to loosen up the chains and confusion and let me in, but it seems like my efforts go in vain.
i wanna move on but its so hard to do. he got such a hold on me and i just don't wanna let go of the feelings. i ran from attachment and love for so long that it finally caught me by the ears. now my nose is wide open and the air is so thin. "what you want might make you cry and want you need may pass you by if you don't catch it." truer words were never spoken and despite women's intuition i let you get me. like you said--when you get into situations like that its not like you go in blind, you can't blame anyone but yourself cuz you already know.
But the longing for your comfort and the yearning I feel when your aren't around, only makes it tougher to give you up. "giving up is so hard to do, i tried but it just ain't no use." its like being stuck b/twn a rock and a hard place. and the only peace you seem to find is in serious meditation. through the frustration you can only take out time to remember how much you love you and that no matter what--you have to keep that alive. the minute you forget how important your feelings are is the minute your spirit dies and you are confined to a statutory state of mind.
"keep yo head up," despite the fact that things might make you feel like your chin should be at a vertical angle remember there is much to be happy about. like waking up another day, being able to hold a conversation with someone who truly loves you like a mother, father, sister or brother.
one day the person will figure out what they had staring them right in the face. all you can do is be you and if he can't figure it out soon enough then its his fault. when he looks back on what he let slip through he will feel the same pain that you felt and perhaps you will have someone new. someone who truly appreciates you for the things you say and the things you do. someone who won't confuse and try to lose you by playing silly games. a real man who truly adores you and the gift of love that you bring. it will not be a burden to carry but a blessing he'll surely keep with him at all times.

Today was fun

Well, today was better. I got something accomplished in the lab today. I don't know how well the results came out but hopefully it went ok. By the end of next week I hope to be doing experiments by myself. Jose is such the character. I miss my Hubbard friends :( Luckily, the people in my program are not too bad.
Tonight we went to the bowling alley with the other groups. Of course I really didn't wanna bowl so I did Laser Tag. I swear since I've been here there have been so many firsts. My first Starbucks experience, My first Laser Tag experience, who know what else I will do before the summer is over. Its okay here. I don't know if I could see myself going here in the future though. As I was telling "Brock" tonight, I really don't know what I'm going to do with my life.
I do realize that I really don't want to let go of him. I really care about him and even though he doesn't act right, he really has a hold on me. It sucks that I feel like this. I hope that by this time two weeks from now I can really get up the nerve to have a real conversation about what's gonna happen to us. I really can't allow this to continue, b/c its really not emotionally healthy for me. Only time I'm ever really happy is if I'm with him or talking to him. If I'm not I feel so insecure, depressed, doubtful and lost. It really feels like history is repeating itself.
I started writing everyday b/c I really wanted to get it all into perspective. I have no clue what's really gonna happen next but I know what I need to do. As much as I don't want to I have to do it for myself, b/c the truth is I deserve so much better.
I think I need to just take a break from having to be around someone. Perhaps then I can really have time for myself and I can really think about what it is that I really want. I'm getting too old for bs/sos I need to be stable--tired of surprises. I make 21 this year, I'm a senior in college and it feels like I have lost so much time. I really need to think out how I'm going to get where I wanna be.

Its Truly Amazing

Every thing in the world around you is truly amazing. Think about it? Ever notice the way that the sun glistens in moving water? I love taking pictures so I can capture moments in the world that people never seem to take into account. As I walked back to my dorm--which isn't as far as I thought it was--I just listened to music and watched the water. I find things like that so calming in my world of chaos.

I really could see myself being a professional photographer, I think I would enjoy doing that more than being in a lab everyday. I feel like I spent too much time tryin to nurture my academics in life and ignoring my talents. Everything that I love to do I never got the chance to fully pursue it. I mean one thing that I love to do more than anything is sing. Despite the fact I am not that great of a writer I know what kind of music I would like to sing and I know that the slight talent I have writing just needs to be nurtured. I mean I don't really wanna be some big star but I would like to spend some time of my life performing. Even if it is in a club somewhere every weekend--I think I would be content with my life. People make it seem like being an entertainer is a dream that not many acheive but I don't have to be like some of the mainstream aritists I think if I could just get one person to like and appreciate my music I would be content.
I really look forward to graduating from college so that I can spend some much needed time nurturing my artistic side. I noticed a long time ago that most of the people in my fammily were extremely artisically oriented and that it would be a shame to let my talent go to waste. Not saying that I regret getting my education I just wish I could have done more drawing, singing, writing and acting. I have so much fun entertaining other people that it would only seem rational to pursue such ambitions. As an adult, I know now that it is important to find my niche before it is too late and most of my youthful years have passed me by.

i really wonder. . . . .

I really wonder sometimes what it is about Men that make them act the way they do? Is it that they can't seem to diverge from their natural habit or is it that they just act that way b/c some women let them?
I've been involved with this guy for quite some time and I just don't see the point anymore. In the past several months I have not really gained anything from this relationship whatsoever and the more I start to think about it, the more and more upset I get. Alas, I have a strong attachment to him and it is hard for me to leave him alone.
sometimes I think that it's my fault that he acts the way he does and then I realize that I haven't done anything to deserve such treatment. I realize that I deserve so much more than unreturned phone calls, trips to PP to get 'Plan B,' and just not being appreciated. I am such a kind spirit but I seem to continue to fall for the same type of Men.
About a year ago, I came to conclusion that I don't trust my judgement and my taste in men. It seems like all the characteristics that I find attractive just don't "tag along" with all the good qualities that I need from a Man. I also came to the conclusion that I go through all of the things that I do for a reason. So I really can't get mad, but I must admit that I am quite tired.
I'm writing this b/c maybe just maybe there is someone who feels the same way I do and maybe reading this will save them from getting into a bad situation with a Man who just is not right for you.

Something New

I decided that it would be a good idea to start putting things down in writing as a new therapy. So today I start something new.
Here I am in Iowa at the University of Iowa. I've been here a week and I'm sick :(. Sinus Infection my friends--it is the worst. I am doing research once again this summer--this time on the Alzhiemer's Disease.
Trying to recooperate and get over my "friend" back home. Three days and counting I have not called and I hope that he won't call me. After the end of this "relationship" I must set a whole new set of standards.
"theres a blessing in every lesson and I'm glad that I knew him at all"--India Arie